Nine Great Conspiracy Theories

to Explain the Criminal Justice Act

Squall 10, Summer, 1995, pg. 33.

1. Legislation was wanted to restrain those groups which have genuine power over governments (mass protesters and trades unions for example) and those who are genuinely subversive (by advocating freedom, peace or true democracy). Such legislation would not have been acceptable to the people so it was carefully disguised as an attack on the sections of society with the silliest haircuts and therefore no popular support (ravers, travellers, hunt saboteurs and squatters).

2. Michael Howard is actually a nastier reincarnation of renegade Megacity cop Judge Death who believes that since crime is only committed by the living, life itself should be a crime punishable by death. Next year’s revision of the Act will also criminalise facial piercing and the eating of tofu.

3. The brewers went to the Tories and said: “This ecstasy stuff is costing us millions in lost business, can’t you make it illegal?” The Tories said they’d already done that, “but bung another few hundred thou’ in the coffers and we’ll criminalise the music as well”.

4. In the Sixties, when Bill Clinton wasn’t inhaling and love was free, John Major never got a single shag because he was a geek. He swore that one day he’d be Prime Minister and pass laws to make sure that nobody else had any fun either. Tony Blair is with him on this one because he still had acne in 1970.

5. The Government uses civil liberties as rewards for success in the World Cup. After 1966 we got decriminalisation of homosexuality and abortion. The Criminal Justice Act was born back in 1993 when Ronald Koeman screamed that free-kick into the top corner. Graham Taylor has a lot to answer for.

6. Public order laws were required to prevent ‘disruption’. Disruption is only deemed offensive when the disruptors are of a lower social class than the disrupted. Thus; football crowds are working class and disrupt the working classes, so that’s not offensive. Wimbledon or Chelsea Flower Show crowds are middle class and disrupt the working and middle classes so that’s definitely not offensive. The unworking classes (the unemployed, the homeless, students etc.) are of a lower social class than a dog turd and so will always be disruptive even when they are on their own.

7. The Labour Party has no interest in anything other than winning the votes of the entire Daily Mail readership. It is quite prepared to sacrifice its own parents (the trade unions and the British people) for the quintannial cross of this vile sub-culture.

8. John Major needs a few good riots so that he can use a particularly tough speech that Thatcher lost down the back of a sofa at No. 10 in 1981 and Major found quite by accident when he was looking for his stash. Giving the police lots of new powers of stop and search etc. was the last resort after being completely useless for years failed to have the desired effect.

9. All politicians are totally power obsessed. But they are also too introverted, self-seeking, short-sighted and stupid to be involved in anything as subtle as a conspiracy. Their behaviour is governed by neither logic nor benevolence and can only be explained by reference to Chaos Theory. The Criminal Justice Act is a miscreant product of prejudice, ignorance, panic and incompetence. But policies made on a whim can be changed on a whim and this makes the fight winnable. Join the fight and help shove the Act right back up the parliamentary orifice from whence it came.

Author’s note:

Please be warned that at least some, and quite possibly all of the above may in fact be completely true.